“Holding on to my bad feelings about this is doing nothing but harming me and everyone else, and preventing me from enjoying my life fully. I am an awesome person. I choose to enjoy my life. I choose to let this go.”
– Jen Sincero: ‘You are a badass’
The section on forgiveness and guilt was one of the hardest hitting for me.
I have been manic as in full blown mania three times so far in my life, each time has resulted in me doing some very reckless and costly things that I am fully ashamed of. One of which in particular haunts me and I cannot believe that I did it, even if ill. It scares me that there is that part of me lurking in there and I do have a lot of bad feelings about it.
The quote above is really powerful to me as I am holding onto bad feelings and it is stopping me from being truly happy.
I don’t know if writing about the incident will help but it’s worth a shot as I do need to somehow forgive myself.
Well here goes…..
A few years ago (I’m going to be quite vague with the details and will change names if necessary to protect the people involved) I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage. We’d been married a couple of years and our daughter was here. My ex-husband was very abusive emotionally, he never hit me, although he came close once but he belittled me and eroded all my happiness.
This stress along with my bipolar was not a good combination and my mood ended up all over the place and eventually I had one of my worst periods of mania. I was drinking too much and hanging out a lot with a set of friends (a married couple) who were encouraging me to drink as I was a lot of fun to be around when manic and drunk. However, things took a turn for the worst and in my deluded state I tried to start a sexual affair with the husband of the duo. Thankfully, he was having none of it, a drunken kiss was as far as it got and he told his wife everything. The wife had been a really good friend of mine, my best friend at the time and I betrayed her in the worst possible way.
I ended up being admitted to the inpatient ward as a result of how delusional I became. I however have never spoken to either of the couple since. My husband and I broke up shortly after too and the situation with him taking our daughter away from me happened. I was clearly unwell and needed the help but his actions stopped my recovery in its tracks.
I do blame myself and don’t use my illness as an excuse. What I tried to do was completely unacceptable and I hate what I did.
I do need to move forwards from it. It still affects me, it stops me forming close friendships as I worry I’ll betray them too. It has also made me realise that my mental illness and alcohol is a bad idea.
I hope the couple involved are now living a happy life and have forgotten all about me.