Today the challenge is to journal for 15 minutes. So I’m going to set a timer and just write on here for 15-mins. It may not make much sense and I’m not going to edit it too heavily before publishing: you have been warned!
Today has not been a good day. My daughter is with me all day as it’s the school holidays here and she has been sick for the past few days. This means my routine has gone and we haven’t been out of the house. All we have managed to do is sit on the sofa and watch movies. We’ve watched three Harry Potter movies and Rio 2. Whilst this has been fund watching movies I am feeling cabin fever now and I want to get outside. I am really hoping she is up to at least a small walk tomorrow.
The weather has also been very overcast. I am much better when the weather is sunny. I don’t mind what temperature it is, as long as there is Sunlight. It just feels dark and miserable outside at the moment.
I had no reason to just sit around, I could have got on and done stuff in the house but I haven’t had the motivation whilst she has been ill. I am now feeling fat and lazy.
I have eaten junk again too. As I’m not cooking proper meals I have eaten a ton of rubbish. After a good start to the weight loss I bet I have put it all back on again. Total failure. It just sometimes feels like food is my only joy.
My 15 minutes was cut to only 5 as she needed me.
Back to it….
As I was saying, I’ve been eating rubbish, tonight we had take away fish and chips as I couldn’t face cleaning the kitchen to cook in it.
I am frustrated with myself as I know all the things I need to do to stay well: eat well, exercise etc but I just can’t always bring myself to do it.
I am also finding my level of irritation is high, I am grumpy, snappy and short-tempered. I love my daughter so much so it gets to me when I am like this with her.
Because of the situation, my time with my daughter is so intense. She stays with her Dad during the week normally and I have her Friday to Monday. In the school holidays I have her all the time. This is obviously great but I do find being a single parent at these times really hard. I have no-one to help and no other daily adult company (in person at least). I don’t have many friends with children my daughter’s age, I find the school parents of her classmates hard work as I feel they judge me for not being a full time mum.
As this is proving I don’t get anytime to myself at all, I can’t even manage 15-minutes to write in peace.
I feel like I’m never happy. I miss her when she’s not here but I moan when she is. I don’t know how to change my of thinking. I know she means the world to me and I love her so much.
I think I’m longing for a ‘normal’ family set up. I can’t wait for my partner to move over here so that we can have a two parent and child set up, I think that would feel less stressed the whole time.
In the mean time I need to work on managing self-care in an everyday situation. I need to manage my emotions so she has a good role model too.
Not quite 15-minutes but near enough for the way today is going!