There is another reason I find mother’s day difficult.  It’s not one I have ever spoken about in public.

I had an abortion.  I don’t regret the actual deed but I do often think about the child that nearly was and the mother I haven’t become.

I know a lot of people won’t agree with me on this but I hope to at least keep the conversation civil in the comments section.

I have always been pro-choice, I fundamentally believe it is within a woman’s right to have an abortion if she so chooses.  I have studied embryology, I am aware how the fetus develops and I know what it looks like at each stage so I was fully informed as to what I was doing.  Like I said I don’t regret the choice I made but it doesn’t stop me thinking about it.

A bit of background to my story.  I have bipolar disorder, I get manic and one of the symptoms of this is that I make reckless decisions.  I decided to stop taking my olanzapine and birth control pills without telling anyone, my partner included and so I got pregnant.  I was completely out of control when I was pregnant and in no fit state to look after myself let alone a baby.  I got a lot of counselling and advice before I made the decision to have a termination from both the clinic and my psychiatry team.

I had a surgical abortion under general anaesthetic and so I don’t remember anything of the procedure nor did I feel any pain or discomfort.  The worse part of the whole procedure was been put to sleep as I knew I would wake up not pregnant and that is quite hard to get your head around even if you are making what you think is the right decision.  I don’t care how opinionated you are on the topic making the decision is difficult and you don’t know how you’ll react until you face it.  I also know if I were stable and not manic I wouldn’t have put myself in that position.

I do find it difficult to talk about.  Certainly very few people know I had it done.