Here in the UK it is Mother’s Day today.
This day has such mixed feelings for me. On one hand I love being a Mum and I was lucky to get breakfast in bed from my daughter this morning and even better is that I get to spend all day with her. But, there is a big part of me that dreads this day because of the relationship with my own Mother.
I don’t have many early memories with my Mum, I honestly can’t remember her every playing with us or doing ‘mummy’ stuff. I don’t know if this is because I’ve chosen to block things from my memory or if they just didn’t happen. Sadly, my only memories of her are bad ones and involve her drinking or being with different men. I can clearly remember the times I had to call in her work to make up an excuse as to why she wasn’t there and I remember the times we’d come home from school and she’d be through two bottles of wine already. I used to dread the days she wasn’t in work as that gave her an excuse to drink all day.
As I wrote about in my letter to her I no longer blame her for her actions. I know now she is/was ill. However, I am still sad that we have no relationship now and that I don’t have any happy memories of her to talk about.
I see people posting about their Mum’s today and I feel angry and jealous. Angry that I don’t have happy memories to share and jealous of the people who do. I know neither emotions are particularly healthy but I don’t find this day easy.
Being a Mummy
The complete flip side of the coin is that I love being a mother myself. It is easily the thing that I feel most proud of in life and despite my own feelings about the day I am determined to make it look like a good one for my own daughter. It terrifies me that I will turn into my own mother and that my gorgeous daughter will grow up with no happy memories of the two of us.
So, what have we done on this mother’s day weekend? Well, yesterday we had lots of fun, she had dance class in the morning and so I waited for her in a local coffee shop and had time to read and relax. Then in the afternoon we went to a local trampoline park and had a great time!
Today, she made me breakfast in bed and we are just chilling at home and will hopefully get out in the sunshine for a walk down to the coast.
I feel so lucky to have her, I am very proud of the girl she is and she more than makes up for my bad memories 🙂