Hope is such a powerful word but it’s something we all need in life.  We need to hope that things will improve, we hope we will live a long and healthy life, we hope for the best for our children, we hope people will treat us well, we hope we will be successful and we hope we can function in society.

I have been in a mental place where I had lost all hope and that is the scariest thing I have ever been through.

Back in 2012, life was going well, I had a house, a husband, a daughter, a set of really close friends, I was probably the healthiest physically I have ever been.  Then things started going TOO well, too well in a way only people with manic bipolar episodes will understand.  To the lay person I would have been described as crazy, hyper, manic, nutty etc.  I happened to be very unwell and did a lot of very bizarre things that were out of character for me and ruined some very good relationships including my marriage.  I did things that I am not ready to talk about yet on here.

To cut a long story short I became severely depressed after my manic episode and hope no longer existed.  I decided to run away to kill myself and I disappeared.  I just took the car one night and went, I didn’t leave a note, I just drove.  Thankfully I got picked up by an ambulance as I was unconscious on a park bench over 100 miles from home and I entered the inpatient unit of a mental health hospital.  I had zero hope that I would repair my life, I didn’t want to repair my life as I was so ashamed of how I had acted.

Eventually the hope did return but it took a while.  It took medication, daily talking sessions with the inpatient staff, group work and discovering tools like mindfulness.  Since then I have had ups and downs but I haven’t lost hope like I did back then.

I wanted to post this as I know there will be people out there who too have lost their sense of hope.  I just want to say to you if you are one of those people: I get it.  I know what the lowest of the low feels like but things can better and they will if you stick with it.  Talk to someone, be as honest as you can be and try to summon up whatever sense of hope you can.

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